i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
