there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
