You just made me feel so damn special
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
