Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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