You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
