he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
