she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
