I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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