She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
