My hand turned me down
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
