I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
