why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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