toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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