I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
