oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
