thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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