Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
