If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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