dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
