Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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