im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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