oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
