What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Are we still banned from the library?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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