he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
