Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
