I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
