so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
