Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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