just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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