Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
