I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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