Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
