First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
