i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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