I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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