I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
