she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
