I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
