the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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