These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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