Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
