Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Randomize
