She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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