I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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