in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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