Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
