hotel room ftw
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
