Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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