you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
