Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
