so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
