take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
