I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
