Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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