I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My vagina is very pro this idea
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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