just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize