I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I CAN MOONWALK!
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
