someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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