I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
