I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
